Ben's Quote of the Morning

"My Bekah (a) freep"

In reference to his sister not allowing him to open his own juice box. Yelling and crying ensued.

One of those days

I woke up rested and fairly happy this morning. Then I arrived at work ten minutes late. Ever have one of those bosses who tap their wrist to indicate the time? I don't. My boss stands behind me as I'm throwing stuff in my cubicle so I can rush off to a training meeting. I don't see him until I turn around. Frankly it's like having a 2ND mother with the the luggage he was giving. Guilt trip you know, had to pack the bags. I absolutely understand I was late and acknowledged the fact. I just don't think a supervisor should vocalize your shortcomings through the office so everyone within hearing range can participate. Whatever.

All things considered I handled myself well until I sat down in the meeting and had a chance to think about the previous events. My emotions have been neatly tied together, during pre-deployment, in order to keep some sort of emotional restraint in the office and not let my family realize that I am complete emotional basket case. Well the tirade (possibly over spoken) over my tardiness was the pair of scissors that opened my neatly packaged emotions. Picture one of those great big pairs of scissors used for grand openings or ground breaking ceremonies.

First the tears came which irritates me even more so the tears come faster. Then, when I attempt to turn off the waterworks my nose starts running. My nose is like an emergency exit plan for tears when the tear ducts are calmed. What a mess. Just so you know, I cry whether I'm sad, happy, tired or just plain pissed off. I left the room, grabbed a handful of tissues, dabbed at my eyes (nose too) and stood in the back of the room in order to regain my composure.

I don't think my boss should treat me any differently because my home life is a little disrupted and unorganized. But really, in the middle of the office?

At least I had a couple of out of office appointments which kept me away and busy. Hopefully, they'll turn into business.

I know I'm not alone in this situation and I don't want to be a complaint. I am striving to be the quintessential Navy wife - strong, together, and emotionally available. If there is anyone out there going through the military wife, deployment thing. I'd like some proof that this is normal and I'm not losing my mind.

L

Mission Accomplished

Last night I think I signed off with something like "a good night sleep is needed" or some crap like that. Wishful thinking. Ben would not sleep until "Mama go bed too". So, like the irresponsible parent I can be, I let him stay with me on the couch until I finished the blog around 11:00pm. He snuggled next to me and feel asleep right away. Good thing... he slept until we had to leave the house this morning. Bad thing... heels in the back @ 2:00am. Not a good night's sleep.

The park was my idea for this evening. The walk was not. I'm quite amazed we actually made it to the park. You see Ben did not want to walk or take the car (at my prodding). He wanted to scooter his way 9 blocks to the park. The sleep deprived loon I am went along for the ride. Figuratively speaking of course, he's only 3. Besides I can't fit one of my feet on his scooter. He stopped to look at a rock. He stopped to walk on a wall - you can guess who carried the scooter. He stopped to play with a palm frawn. He wanted to stop at a house with Halloween decs for an early treat. He wanted to stop to ring a random door bell. He stopped to stomp in a puddle. He stopped for a break. I carried the scooter (again) while he slithered on his tummy down the sidewalk. 40 minutes later we arrived at the park. We had a great time sliding, swinging, climbing and playing in the sand - yes we. It's getting darker and darker (remember I'm a working mom and this is an after work venture) by the minute. The nagging fear in the back of my mind was the "walk" home. Man, I wish I brought the car or even a wagon.

The inevitable occurred just like it inevitably does. Ben got hungry. Ben didn't want to walk home. Ben didn't want to scooter home. Ben wanted to be carried. Okay, I'm supermom (tee-hee) so up he goes on my shoulders. I now have a 35lb 3 year old on my shoulders, a scooter in my left hand, big bottle of ice water in my right and camera bag around my neck. What a sight. This situation lasted about 1 1/4 blocks. Ben scootered or ran the rest of the way home.

By the way, I have some great pictures of our journey but I can't find the camera cable so I guess the pics will have to wait. I regress.

We arrived home. Ben had dinner. Ben had a bath. We read. We rocked. We said "Thank You"s and prayed. Ben slept in his own bed under a Lightning McQueen blanket I bought earlier today as a bribe.

I am sleepy too but much more happy and content tonight.

Day 2 (of 365)

My husband Jerry has been deployed. He left on Friday morning in order to report by Saturday. Although there have been prior close calls Jerry was always called back. This is a first for us. I am trying to keep my mind focused by looking at the situation only one day at a time. Good idea - in theory anyway. It is only Day 2 - Two little days out of an entire year. I am already so very tired and I'm pretty sure our son Ben can feel my stress.

Ben is 3. He is the most wonderful being on this earth but he's still three. Ever read the comic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Well it's my favorite and if I ever had a son I wanted him to be just like Calvin. Energetic, creative, imaginative, stuffed tiger on his heels... Be careful what you wish for. Now don't get me wrong he is truly the most brilliant, fun loving 3 year old ever. The energy and empathy are the characteristics I am finding difficulty with right now. He runs constantly at 150%, questions everything, engages everyone, and can feel the emotion in a room within moments. Especially right now since emotions aren't easy to contain.

It's only Day 2 and I pray God will give me the grace and strength to lead this family through the next week much less an entire year. Day 2!!! Exhaustion is forefront. My head hurts from lack of sleep and the constants in life running through my brain; lists of chores, paperwork, bills, work (by the way I work full-time as a security consultant), never ending laundry piles. Most of all I want to spend much needed energetic time with Ben. Could it truly be that simple. I guess the other stuff (aside from work) can wait.

Back to Ben. I know he feels the stress and heart-ache. He takes my face in his hands and looks directly in my eyes. I try to hide the tears when they fall and he's back again, my face in his hands but this time he's wiping the tears away. What a sweetie - would Calvin do that? Again, he's only three so he doesn't realize what is going on - he says his Papa is at work. =) That's good. Papa is at work. I hope someday he will realize the magnitude of his father's duty to his country. I think a good night's sleep might do us both some good.

I miss his Papa too. I love him dearly and miss his face, his smile and gentle touch.

I think sleep tonight might just be the thing. Goodnight.

Hola!

First off, I'd like to say hello to all and apologize to anyone who has found my blog after searching for the actor Joaquin Phoenix. Obviously, this is not his web site so I guess you have a choice... should you stay or should you go now?

If you haven't guessed yet, I live in the Phoenix area. Otherwise known as the Valley of the Sun pretty much centrally located in the great State of Arizona. While I'm on the subject of Phoenix I have to say GO WILDCATS! Although I didn't attend school at the University of Arizona I grew up in Tucson (another city in Arizona) and am a fan of everything Wildcat. Just so you know and I'm quite happy to say (and note), not all Phoenicians worship the Solar Prince of Darkness of Arizona State.

I have had several attempts with journals, diaries, lists and letters but to no avail. I just can't longhand as quickly as I can type. Hopefully two things will be accomplished with my blogspot 1) my writing skills will improve with use and 2) you'll return to keep up on the latest in the life of Just Laura. It's not exciting but definitely an outlet.

Don't lurk for too long - make a comment, keep me engaged, help with ideas. See you soon!