Updates

Let's see, it's been quite the busy week. This post is more of an effort of memorization so I can remember what I need to put in my letter to Jerry. So much stuff is buzzing through my head, I always forget something. This is my list.

I actually finished our taxes on the 14th, which is fairly odd for me since I usually finish the first week in February. Procrastination is a way of life for me right now. It seems every issue that rears its ugly head is more important than the last and thus pushes everything else backwards. At the last minute, taxes became the MOST important issue - DONE! Check.

We (although not together) celebrated our fourth anniversary on Wednesday. I bought a bottle of wine I did not drink and a movie I didn't watch to celebrate the evening. Let's see, Ben was not very hungry and wanted cereal so we partook of raisin bran and soy milk, bathed Ben and fell asleep around 9:30pm. Isn't romance wonderful? (hee-hee)

Started a yoga class on Tuesday. Ninety minutes of yoga in a 103 degree room with 40% humidity. Aside from the obvious, sweat, the heart was a pumpin for pretty much the entire class. Who knew Yoga could be a cardio work out. Now you have to realize, I live in a very hot area and frequently work in the yard, walk and play with kids in this kind of heat. But wow, when you attempt to control your breathing (all nasal) as well as contorting your body into different poses - whew! I love it! Skin felt great, body feels alive, brain is more alert! Lots of water and electrolytes is a must. Anyway, the second class on Thursday was much better since I knew what to expect and frankly it didn't feel quite as hot either. I think I have finally found a workout routine I actually like. Will keep you updated.

Fixed a leaky sink (replaced fixture) in the kitchen last week but one small connection on the reverse osmosis was a problem, so I've been emptying a bowl of water every day. I forgot Thursday night and didn't realize until 2am last night (Friday). The particle board underneath was somewhat wet so Ben and I went to the hardware store to purchase a new replacement piece of plywood. After pulling up the old wood, I found the original cabinet bottom had rotted through and we have a mold issue. This is definitely something thats been around for a while - not just my little leak problem. Yick! Mold creeps me out. Anyway, Ben and I went back to the hardware store so I could get bleach, gloves and an air mask so I could get to cleaning. Decided to procrastinate again and spent some quality time with Ben, bathed him and read some books before putting him down @ 9:30ish. I'll work on the mold issue tomorrow when Bekah comes home.

Thought the washing maching issue was solved a couple weeks ago but guess what? - it has taken a crap on me again. Time to replace. More $$$$$ =(

Backyard is taking shape - weeds are disappearing a little bit each week. Storage has been utilized so clutter is also vanishing. The gazebo awning does need to be replaced since the sun did quite a number on it. Didn't even last a year! Moe (tortoise) has been out & about and still comes when called for dinner. Kind of scared me one evening when I was weeding by myself and felt a slight nudge on my leg (sitting on ground). I thought I was alone - Moe had come back out of his home to visit. Who knew reptiles had personality?

Truck did not pass emissions - need to make appointment for service. Recheck emissions, register.

Trees are growing wonderfully in the backyard (grapefruit, mandarin orange & jacarunda). These are the ones planted the same day Jerry went over seas. Ben wants to plant some more "stuff" but obviously other issues are pending. Maybe next weekend. Ben is a gardener. He loves to dig holes, water plants and even help weed. I love it - he's getting so very tall and looks like Jerry more and more each day!

Bekah is becoming closer & closer to teen-hood every day. She's one month away from the big thirteen! Moody, snotty, attitudinal. Also, much more helpful, aware, self-confident. I completely forgot (selective memory) teenage years can be such a contradiction. She can be so very sweet and loving one moment and snotty and disrespectful the next. I miss her so much when she's at her Dad's house, snot & all. She'll be back tomorrow and the house will feel better.

I'm sure there's more but this is a good start. Hopefully, I can keep up with the blog (once the mold is gone) a little more regularly.

I am still here...

I've got a question for the Navy wives out there... or even the wives whose husbands are away for long periods of time.

I have come to the conclusion (just this weekend) I do not like to be home. Home is not complete without Jerry here. I am just not completely happy in this house I call home. I do not feel whole.

Is this normal?

I left for my parents house Friday evening within an hour of getting home. Packed up myself, Ben and Bear, loaded up the truck and took a drive. My parents didn't even know we were coming until I called from the road. Once there we had a great time. Ben was wonderful and we were able to spend much needed quality time together. Quality time is so much easier when all of your projects and to-do lists are 100 miles away! =)

Anyway, when Sunday evening arrived I did not want to come home. We actually woke up this morning at 5:30am and drove home this morning, unloaded the truck and ran off to work. Again, not spending too much time inside the house.

Am I losing my mind? Should I talk to someone about this?

Heart is Breaking Tonight

Recently, I have found it difficult to even visit some of the other Navy wives I frequest. Most times I receive support from their words of wisdom and even just knowing others are out there with the same circumstances is comforting. When a wife (or family) is in need I pray - I think its important people realize they are cared for and prayed over. But as I mentioned earlier, I have had a hard time visiting some of these posts.

The last few days visiting with these websites, I have come to miss my best friend even more. It seems that although I read stories from women around the country (even overseas) it makes the distances between Jerry and I so much more. More what? Real? Inconceivable? Far away? Expansive. I find it difficult to comment as I do not want my downward mood to effect others. Although here I am posting it tothe world.

I miss talking to him about the little stuff of life. The flowers blooming, the crack in the windshield, the rocks collected on walks. I think most of all I miss his presence. Just to know he was here in the house or just across the state line was bearable. An ocean? It's just too huge to comprehend.

It seems once a month (hmmmm... that seems kind of pattern like) it dawns on me how very far away he is. Sending a care package was even bittersweet. It's nice to know he will open the box and touch the same items I had touched. He'll enjoy the cookies sent and pictures Ben made for him. To see his expression when he pulls the picture of Ben's self portrait would be heaven.

This journal is my release and I'm hoping it helps enough to relieve the stress enough to enjoy a full night's sleep. Good night.

Just A Thought....

I think it may be time to make a come back into the blogosphere. It's been almost a month since I've been on and I'm losing my mind. Getting more sleep but definitely losing my sanity. I have come to the realization that this blog is written more for myself than to keep hubby updated on homefront news. This is my emotional outlet and creative distraction. I love to read blogs from all of the .dot comrades out there - you are helping to keep a mother on the edge. period. You keep me from tipping over the edge. Thank you!

Frankly, I've experienced days in recent, very recent past that I was happy Monday came around and sad that I must leave to come home. You see, I think this having it all and doing it all by yourself thing is wearing a bit thin. I have a three year old, an almost thirteen year old, a stressful job, no hubby to hug @ night and a disorganized house. Uggggh! Why doesn't Calgon come and take me away?

Mommy and Daddy are coming tomorrow - hopefully they can run interference so I can drown myself in deep therapy. House Cleaning! It will also be nice to have adults in the house, I tend to believe the knowledge of just knowing there are others like me hanging out in the next room will be peace enough.

JL

Over the River and Through The Woods...

Almost eerily quiet. A weird kind of quiet - there is definitely something, or someone, missing from this picture. Ben!

Grandma took Ben last night - he wanted to visit the farm at Ramah's house. So we packed him up and sent him packing. Bekah, C and I went Christmas shopping for a few hours, had dinner at 9:30pm and then returned home packages in trunk. No PJs, teeth brushing, books, rocking or prayers. Although peaceful, sad as well. =(

He was over at the farm all day today and evidently didn't want to come home. Grandma asked if he wanted to "go home with Mom or stay another day". Since there are no small children underfoot the choice he made is obvious. He'll be home tomorrow morning before work. I miss his presence (even as loud as it can be sometimes).

I'm going to bed early and as most of you who visit know, 11pm is early for me. Good night!

Tears Keep Coming

Meloncholy. Sad. Broken Hearted. Tearful. (punky modds just don't cover them all)

It's been one of those weekends. Anxiety started on Thursday and the tears started tonight. The weekend activities of cleaning, organizing and shopping are over and the kids are in bed. The house is cold and may be one of the reasons it feels so lonely. I can't seem to shake the weepiness. Although my eyes will bear the brunt of the situation I'm thinking a quiet and secluded tear-fest in bed might help.

I want to apologize for the pity party tonight but I need to try & get it out and on paper (so to speak).

My heart feels broken tonight. Ben asked to call Daddy tonight but he's unreachable for the next three weeks. I long for his hug and shoulder to cry on.

Day 2 (of 365)

My husband Jerry has been deployed. He left on Friday morning in order to report by Saturday. Although there have been prior close calls Jerry was always called back. This is a first for us. I am trying to keep my mind focused by looking at the situation only one day at a time. Good idea - in theory anyway. It is only Day 2 - Two little days out of an entire year. I am already so very tired and I'm pretty sure our son Ben can feel my stress.

Ben is 3. He is the most wonderful being on this earth but he's still three. Ever read the comic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Well it's my favorite and if I ever had a son I wanted him to be just like Calvin. Energetic, creative, imaginative, stuffed tiger on his heels... Be careful what you wish for. Now don't get me wrong he is truly the most brilliant, fun loving 3 year old ever. The energy and empathy are the characteristics I am finding difficulty with right now. He runs constantly at 150%, questions everything, engages everyone, and can feel the emotion in a room within moments. Especially right now since emotions aren't easy to contain.

It's only Day 2 and I pray God will give me the grace and strength to lead this family through the next week much less an entire year. Day 2!!! Exhaustion is forefront. My head hurts from lack of sleep and the constants in life running through my brain; lists of chores, paperwork, bills, work (by the way I work full-time as a security consultant), never ending laundry piles. Most of all I want to spend much needed energetic time with Ben. Could it truly be that simple. I guess the other stuff (aside from work) can wait.

Back to Ben. I know he feels the stress and heart-ache. He takes my face in his hands and looks directly in my eyes. I try to hide the tears when they fall and he's back again, my face in his hands but this time he's wiping the tears away. What a sweetie - would Calvin do that? Again, he's only three so he doesn't realize what is going on - he says his Papa is at work. =) That's good. Papa is at work. I hope someday he will realize the magnitude of his father's duty to his country. I think a good night's sleep might do us both some good.

I miss his Papa too. I love him dearly and miss his face, his smile and gentle touch.

I think sleep tonight might just be the thing. Goodnight.